I am finally exhausted by thoughts at 6:26 am; thoughts are what wake me up. I must be thinking all night long, working things through. Willi nearly falls from the bed at 4:35 am. He is fasting again and yesterday was not one of his good days. He refuses to eat and drink. I am checking for dehydration, but he seems to be alright that way. It’s everything else that is not good. He’s sluggish and sleeps all day and simply turns his nose up at food. All food…even things like steak.
I will take him to see his vet today…this time a test for Addison’s disease, then after that a scope on this stomach. None of these things sound particularly comforting. Can we not just get to the core of this problem?
I can feel a hectic day on the way. Business issues to deal with…trips by car here and there. Still, there is a spectacular view from my window; a sunrise in fuchsia. I go to take a picture of it to show you, but by the time I lift the blinds, and turn the digital camera on, it has faded. The sky is grey now with only a hint of pink, and that’s how quickly this planet turns…from pink to grey in twenty-five seconds, from young to old in a flash of time, long enough while it’s happening but more like a fast moving object once it passes.
Each morning now seems like a frame in the same film. Click, advance one more frame until the end. In my morning pages I devoted one entire page to nothing but questions. What do I want from life? What are my goals? Why do I want that? Do I really want that? How much? How long? What next? Where next? Why? And what about this thing… and what about that? And so the unanswered questions plunk themselves onto the page as if sitting down for dinner where the hotel staff will be serving things momentarily. Frisky little life altering questions, each of which if answered have the potential to change the direction of everything at any time. Plop, plop, plop.
What will this day be like?
I wonder.
What will the future bring?
I wonder
It could be so exciting
To be out in the world to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what’s the matter with me?
I’ve always longed for adventure…
Rogers & Hammerstein
Cut! Print it! Already?
And so a new day begins…
Yeah. What you said.